I challenge you to think if you are really being yourself every moment of your life. Are you open and honest with yourself in any situation? How often do you wear conventional masks and when? How many times are you hiding from yourself and present the people around you a persona that you don’t believe in?
Oh God, I can’t even imagine how I have lived my entire life with a drawer full of masks. I think I was the Queen of masks. And I was so proud of them.
They looked so beautiful to me, otherwise I wouldn’t have been wearing them. I am glad that I have less and less of them now and when I catch myself putting any of them on, I become uncomfortable. I hope I can say one day that my drawer has been emptied.
I believe that the one mask we wear most frequently is fear. It is also the most valuable asset in our entire arsenal. This mask is exceptionally beautiful seen from the outside. It is gilded, adorned with precious stones…all shiny and cool, but it hurts so much when it touches your soul, your face, your eyes.
We wear masks because we are afraid that people around us will not like what they see. Actually, we are afraid that they will see something that we don’t like about ourselves. Since childhood, we used to evaluate ourselves through the opinions of parents, family, then school, peers, our lovers and so on.
What are the things that we might have heard the most?
- You are to small to understand this
- You are too fat
- Your nose is too big, your face too small, your teeth too yellow
- You can do so much better
- You should become a doctor or a lawyer, these are real carriers
- Your friend has better grades, he/she behaves. You are making a fool of ourselves.
- Oh, that man will never go out with you. He is too good for you
- ………………………………………………………. you fill in the blanks.
And what do we do then? We start putting on masks, we try to be as we think other people want us to be in order to feel accepted, loved, popular, cool. We want to live up to the expectations. We want to fit the mould.
We forget who we are, what we like, what we don’t like and worse, we feel we are not entitled to express all these feelings.
But let’s admit: when are we women most afraid? When we are in love, right? Because when you love, fear moves in too. Fear to LOSE. What are we afraid to lose? You don’t lose a man, because he is not yours in the first place. We do not own men or people in general. We don’t even own our children. People belong to themselves. We just share something with them at different levels of intimacy.
OK, so if we understand that we cannot lose a man because we do not own him, what are we afraid to lose? A lover, a relationship, a future, stability? I tell you what it is: the good feeling about ourselves when we are with a man we like. That security we feel when we are loved. The energy and drive that we are important in somebody’s life, that we count, we are safe and we receive attention. We feel we have something to say, we have a role and a goal in a man’s life.
What If We Could Get All Those Feelings From Inside Us?
What if we could feel as good when we are with ourselves without necessarily being in a relationship? What if we could feel loved and cherished by ourselves? We could turn around and cut the utter suffering that follows after a possible break up with a man.
It is strange that amongst all the fears that we have, the fear to lose our individuality is not very strong. As if we are not too afraid to lose ourselves. But if we think deeply, this could be the best and most efficient self-defense system. However, we prefer to protect the man we are in a relationship with. You know why? Because we don’t know who we are too much, we don’t spend quality time with us, we do not communicate with our inner self.
I was talking the other day with one of my girlfriends and she told me that she blossoms when she is in a relationship with a man. She feels energetic, does her hair, nails, buys fancy clothes and sexy lingerie, takes care of her body. But when she is single, she is just miserable and complains about everything. She sits at home in her PJs, eats a lot and pities herself.
I had an AHA moment! So we do not take care of ourselves because we like us, but because we like somebody else to do it. We credit a man to bring out all the good things in us, while we can do it so easily.
Here is an exercise that I would like you to do during next week. If you are in a relationship or not, you can equally do it:
- Every morning when you wake up, look into the mirror of your room and say to yourself: “You are wonderful Violetta (use your name of course)! I love you just the way you are!”
- Dress like you are getting ready for the most important date: Date Yourself!
- Go out in the streets, look people in the eye and smile. You will be amazed of the reactions. I have done it and it was fantastic. Do it, you have nothing to lose.
- Go to a shop with high quality clothes and spend some time to just look around. Touch the silky dresses, run the soft fabrics through your fingers, try whatever you like and then leave the store with a smile on your face.
- Go to your favourite coffee shop alone and sink into the atmosphere. Notice everything about you in that situation. Do you feel awkward, uncomfortable? Do you want to leave or stick your head into the phone so nobody notices you are alone? Going alone to a public place was just unbearable to me a while ago. Now, I love doing this whenever I have the time.
Fear of loneliness is one of the biggest barriers in attracting a quality man in our lives. When you learn to love and accept yourself the way you are, people will be drawn to you like a magnet. All the energy and good vibe in you will become contagious and men will just want to be around you.
I know you can get to love yourself. I am a wonderful example in this area. With Rori Raye’s tools I turned myself from my worst critic and enemy into my best friend and date. If I could do it, you will, for sure. Because you deserve to be loved just the way you are!
Share your story with me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Photo Credit: Costas Dumitrescu